Part 4: Cooking for Picky (Selective!) Eaters

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As we head down the path toward cooking more at home, we imagine ourselves putting amazing dinners on the table, to wild applause and unwavering admiration.

But sometimes, even when we’ve made something truly delicious and everything came out perfectly, the people we’ve worked so hard to serve a meal to are not thrilled with the outcome. And they’re not shy about letting us know.

Reluctant Eaters in all shapes and sizes

We usually think of kids as being the ones who are reluctant to try new foods, but sometimes the adults around the table can be as hard (or harder!) to please as the kids. And sometimes, it’s actually us! We follow a recipe and make a dish with some trendy new ingredient that’s supposed to be amazing, but if we’re honest, we just don’t like what we’ve made. All that work for a dish we don’t love.

Is there something wrong with me? Or them?

The short answer is - NO! There are a lot of reasons why someone might not like a particular dish. Let’s take a step back and look at the big picture:

Eating is intense

Eating is one of the most sensory-rich things we do. This is especially true for children. When we’re eating, every single one of our senses is involved, all at the same time.

First, we see what we’re about to eat, and then on our tongues, our taste buds detect the sweet/sour/bitter/salty/umami elements of the food. We smell the food, not only while it’s cooking and on our plates, but also (and even more intimately) while we’re eating it, thanks to the post-nasal receptors in the backs of our palates. And our sense of touch is working hard the whole time to process all the crunchy/cold/hot/soft/slimy/crispy/chewy/gooey/whatever aspects of the food, both in our mouths and maybe on our hands.

Eating is subjective

Like music, or art, or the weather outside, different people experience things differently. What you enjoy as a bracing walk on a gorgeous fall day, your friend may reluctantly endure, shivering and wishing for the summer sun.

Eating food happens inside of us as we take food into our own very personal bodies. The scents we notice, the intensity of flavors, the way we experience textures - these are all thoroughly subjective. And they can change over time, with certain illnesses, and with age.

Even when they can’t articulate why, a person knows when something they’re eating doesn’t agree with them. Scientists are still learning about how different people’s brains and bodies process sensory inputs, and we’re learning more all the time about food allergies and sensitivities.

Eating is shaped by life

We come to the table with a lifetime of memories, scars and baggage around food. Maybe we were scolded for not finishing our plates. Or maybe we were scolded for finishing too quickly. Maybe we were told we’re not the kind of people who eat things like that. Or maybe we grew up wishing we lived in a home where people ate things like that. Maybe we were shamed for what and how much we ate or didn’t eat; and maybe we were lauded for what we ate and didn’t eat.

We carry all of these experiences with us to every table we sit at. They may be muted with time, or they may be festering, but those memories are always there, influencing the way we experience food today.

So clearly, we need to give each other a break.

Four Mindset Shifts and Strategies to Deal with Difficult Eaters

But we cooks still need to put a meal on the table. So how can we approach cooking when some are less than pleased with our efforts? And how can we help our kids grow up into healthy, joyful eaters with a more adventurous palate? Here are four strategies I’ve used that can help you:

1: Shift Your Expectations

Not everyone is going to like everything. As cooks, we have to be okay with that. Our job is the generous act of making a meal for the people around our table. We put our best efforts into making it wonderful for them, and we do it with dignity. But we can’t make them enjoy it.

I’m a professional, and this happens in my house, too!

So here’s my take:

Require respect, not uniformity of opinion. I can’t tell anyone else what they should or shouldn’t like, but everyone needs to show respect for the person who has made food for them. And frankly, sometimes the adults can be worse than the children! But whether we’re at a fancy restaurant, a hot dog stand or our own kitchen table, respect is a must. This is a bright line I won’t allow anyone to cross in my presence. It doesn’t matter whether I made the food or someone else did. And it doesn’t matter what they cooked. What matters is that we show respect and gratitude to the person who made the food. Period.

Take the long view. People’s tastes change as they experience foods differently over time. Especially with kids, they may dislike something one year and love it the next. As they grow and their brains and bodies learn to process sensory inputs, their tastes will change. And adults change their preferences too. I know lots of adults who have told me they dislike a certain food or vegetable, and then over time I notice they’ve added it to their eating repertoire. When I ask them about it they’ll say Oh yeah, I used to not like that, but then I had it this way and now I do. Things change.

Don’t take it personally. Internally, I often have a private conversation with my cooking self that goes something like: Those fools!! Anyone with half a brain and a functioning palate would realize this is delicious! But there are also times when I have to acknowledge that the pasta was a little under (or over) seasoned, or that the pork chops were a tad overdone, or there was a little more char on the roasted broccoli than would be ideal. No one is perfect! Just because they didn’t love what I made them, doesn’t mean they don’t love me. No sweat. You are amazing whether tonight’s dinner turns out perfectly or not. Roll with the punches and move on.

2: Shift Your Perspective

As I mentioned above, many of us were raised with less-than-helpful experiences with food, and we might be carrying this baggage into our approach to cooking as adults.

Some things to consider:

Food is a gift. First, it was a gift from nature, and now it’s a gift you’re giving the people around your table. A gift is something that’s given freely, without expectation of return. When you’re serving a meal, it’s not leverage, it's not a reward, and it’s not a place for punishment. And it's definitely not a tool - emotional, behavioral or otherwise. You can celebrate with food (because it’s a gift!), but be careful of using the promise of certain foods to elicit behavior with your kids. If you want your children to love food, give them space to enjoy it freely, unencumbered with obligations and expectations. (And ditto for the adults in your life!)

Time spent cooking, eating and cleaning up should be pleasurable and sociable. In my house, I try not to use the language of chores when talking about cooking and doing dishes. And I won’t use cooking or dishes as punishment. Cooking and eating should be a “get to do” instead of a “have to do,” and cleanup is much nicer when everyone pitches in together. So put on some music, and try to see kitchen time as a pleasant time to enjoy together.

No coersion, no power struggles. This may be controversial, but I have never required my kids to take a certain number of bites of any food. And in all the years I ran our very popular summer camps, I never required it there either. I know this is a practice many parents love, but it’s not for me. If food is truly a gift, then it’s not an obligation. When you give someone a gift, they can politely decline to accept it. If you want your kitchen, and your table, to be pleasurable, sociable places of mutual respect, coercing kids to taste things can undermine that. It’s their mouth and their body. They know what feels good and what doesn’t. If you’re worried they’ll eat nothing but sweets and junky foods, then don’t offer those as the food gifts you give. Offer them foods you would be happy for them to eat, and let them do the rest. (More suggestions on this point below.)

No pressure: you can spit it out! This goes hand-in-hand with the point above. I’ve always told my kids and my summer campers that they don’t have to eat anything they don’t want to eat. And if they decide to try something and don’t like it, they can always spit it out! I show them exactly how to do this (into a napkin or paper towel, dropped discretely into a nearby garbage can, without drama). As a kid, it can be scary to taste something new. Remember, eating is the most sensorily intense experience kids can have, and if it’s negative, it can be really overwhelming. So instead of pressuring them to taste things, I do the opposite. I take all the pressure off. Kids are naturally curious, and sometimes, once the pressure is off, they’ll try something they might have been leery of before.

When I’m working with kids, spitting food out is not a sign of disrespect. I’ve told them it’s okay to do in my kitchen or camp, and I mean it. We couple the experience with learning more sophisticated descriptive language about food, so things don’t devolve into cries of “ewww” and negativity, which would be disrespectful and would not be tolerated. And of course, I remind them that this is not something they should do in other people’s homes or in restaurants, because some people might understandably be offended. But when they’re with me, I want them to feel comfortable taking a chance. I want them to open themselves up to adventure.

3: Shift Your Language

Some of the language we use can stifle joy and experimentation. We can unwittingly fill mealtime with guilt and obligation, and open the door to bad feelings on all sides.

So in my kitchen, I have some practices around the language we use (and don’t use) when talking about food:

No such thing as a “picky eater.” Some people dislike lots of foods, but labeling them as “picky” puts them in a box it’s hard to get out of. I can’t tell you how many kids have arrived at my summer camps labeled as “picky” eaters, only to try lots of new foods throughout the week and come out the other end eating more adventurously. Sometimes, being surrounded by good food in a fun environment without judgment is all that’s needed for kids to try something new. Resist the urge to use the label “picky,” and instead respect their preferences and give your kids a fun and welcoming space to branch out whenever they’re ready.

No such thing as “good” or “bad” foods. We might like or dislike a food, but that’s not the food’s fault! These words are really absolute in a way that actually doesn’t line up well with the science (more on this below). Also, the words “good” and “bad” carry a lot of moral weight. If the food is bad, what does that say about the people who eat it? Do they have bad taste? Are they bad people? And if I don’t happen to like eating a food labeled as good, does that mean I’m not good? Or good enough? And we’ve already talked about how taste is subjective. So at best, these words are inaccurate oversimplifications. But at worst, they can work against encouraging adventurous eating. So a better approach is to…

Reach for descriptive words instead of simple likes and dislikes. If a child rejects the broccoli you’ve served her, resist the urge to declare conclusively, Look, she doesn’t like broccoli! It might be that she didn’t happen to like this particular broccoli. Maybe it was over- or under-cooked, maybe she would prefer it roasted instead of steamed, or maybe it had too many spices, or too few. With younger children, I might say something like Oh, it looks like that’s not for you tonight! and then move on. With older kids (and adults), I encourage using descriptive language to talk objectively about the food, in order to develop a more critical appreciation. As I said before, in my home, it’s okay not to like everything! So if someone doesn't enjoy a food, I encourage them to verbalize why, and how they might enjoy it more the next time (crunchier? soupier? less salty? etc.). Using language to describe our experience with food helps us become more sophisticated eaters (and cooks!). It’s never okay to be disrespectful, but it’s definitely okay to be honest and thoughtful about our experiences with the food we eat, including how it could be better.

There’s no such thing as “kid food.” Don’t assume “kids don’t like vegetables” or “kids only like white bread.” Preferences like these are totally cultural, not inborn. Kids around the world like all kinds of interesting things, and your kids can too. When my kids were little, I would point out the kid-oriented food marketing that tries to “dumb down” food for them, and I encouraged a sense of indignation at the corporate adults who wanted to belittle their palates and deprive them of real, delicious food.

Don’t use language that imbues food with guilt, shame or shoulds. Words like “fattening” and “guilty pleasure” carry these connotations, and strictly labeling so-called “healthy” vs “unhealthy” foods can also demonize not only the foods but also the people who eat them. After all, a person who eats nothing but carrots would rapidly develop health problems as surely as a person who eats too much sugary cereal. I use words like “healthier” vs “junkier” (notice the “er” ending), because the science tells us that rather than a black-and-white distinction, foods tend to span a continuum of more or less nutritional density. You can use whatever words work best in your home. The key point is to avoid language that casts a shameful binary cloud over certain foods, and the people who eat them.

Look, they’re vegetables! Don’t hide vegetables or call them by different names. Kids know when we’re being sneaky. And don’t make certain foods seem more obligatory than others. If you’ve made delicious food for your children to eat, then just share it with them. Loud and proud!

4: Shift Your Plate

Here are my go-to strategies to improve the odds that my family will eat what I cook:

Make food beautiful! This impulse comes from years in the restaurant business. As the French say, "you eat with your eyes first," and I am certain that my family is much more likely to eat what I make when I also make it look appealing. Even when my kids were toddlers, I would often plate their snacks in a fun way, like in the shape of a flower or a star or a sun. Develop the practice of making whatever you’re serving look as appealing as it tastes.

Cook the rainbow. Color is your best stealth move. Nature has actually programed us to be drawn to contrasting colors in our foods, since different colors usually signal different nutrients. In a pinch, a sprinkling of minced parsley will take most things from blah to beautiful. If someone at your table doesn’t want different colors touching each other, you can definitely honor that. But you can try offering different colored foods as part of your meal planning strategy (even if they’re not touching!) to make things more interesting and appealing.

Serve at least one sure winner at every meal. If you’re not sure how they’ll react to the new thing you’re making, serve it alongside something you know they’ll like. I literally do this with my husband all the time! He might turn up his nose at kale, but if I serve it next to a steak, he’ll eat it without a word. This way you can try whatever new recipe you want to try, and no one will go to bed hungry (or grumpy).

Wait awhile to reintroduce foods that have been rejected. After a couple of weeks (or months), the person might have forgotten their previous reaction. And who knows, they might like it if it’s prepared in a different way. Don’t talk about the last time you served it, just offer it up again later, without fanfare, and keep moving.

Everyone eats the same meal. Don't make different dinners to cater to individual preferences. From the time my kids could eat solid foods, I served them the same foods we adults ate. If you’re not sure everyone will love something, serve it alongside a sure winner as described above. Just present each delicious dish, beautifully plated and offered with love, and let the chips fall where they may.

Some Recipes to Cook with and for Kids:

This recipe collection covers breakfast, lunch and dinner, and includes some recipes that have been faves in my house from the get-go. Note the cute ribbon on the burrito in the picture. You can experiment with things like this to make food feel fun and special!

More recipe inspo for Cooking More

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