A Series of Unfortunate Recipes: The Bland Beginning
Lynley Jones
Season 1 of my Vexingly Foodish Documentation of the Baudelaire orphans. Based on Lemony Snicket's research in Books 1-4, and the first irresponsible season of the Netflix documentary.
Skip ahead to Season 2: The Messy Middle
Week the First:
Puttanesca and The Bad Beginning
Tomatoes, capers, anchovies, roasted garlic and kalamata olives make a deliciously complex sauce for pasta.
Week the Second:
It Gets Worse, But There's Pudding
This week, we have pudding. And chocolate. And chocolate pudding. And Julia Child. And many more words, most of which are too unpleasant to read.
Chocolate pudding with a hint of chile and cinnamon for a delicious twist. Perfect for any Mexican celebration, or anytime you're in the mood to take chocolate in an interesting new direction.
Super chocolate-y, decadent pudding. Sure, you can serve it to the kids. If you can keep yourself from eating it all first.
Week the Third:
Chicken with a Side of Tragedy
This week we endure a tragic lack of taste, intemperate environmentalists, and superfluous synonyms. We then enjoy a delicious chicken dinner, which is how you can tell Mrs. Poe is not doing the cooking.
Chicken thighs and potatoes, poached in a white wine herb broth with a hint of lemon.
Simple green beans, sauteed with onions and garlic.
Week the Fourth:
Unfortunate Porridge and a Baleful Breakfast
This week we avoid cannibals and reveal an evil plot to destroy breakfast.
Coconutty rolled oats topped with blueberries and bananas make for one of the most delicious (and healthiest) ways to start your day. Best of all, it cooks in 5 minutes.
Nubby steel-cut oats spiked with cinnamon, drizzled with maple syrup, and topped with fruit and nuts of your choice.
Week the Fifth:
Cupcakes and Catastrophe
This week, all is not as it appears to be, and Sunny tells it like it is. And there's cupcakes.
Cupcakes tinted pink with fresh raspberry puree, with a berry special surprise inside. Frost with Lemony-Basil Buttercream or frosting of your choice.
Week the Sixth:
Uncle Monty's Coconut Cream Cake
Assuming you are neither treacherous nor incompetent, you may enjoy a slice of Uncle Monty's coconut cream cake this week.
Creamy, coconutty layer cake, with coconut cream cheese frosting. Once they taste this, people will beg you to make it for them. (Fair warning.)
Week the Seventh:
A Conundrum Wrapped in a Potsticker
This week we contemplate a conundrum wrapped in a potsticker, and many other mysteries. Without solving any of them.
Potstickers served with Sriracha sauce and Hoisin sauce. Plus, how to make Asian meatballs with the extra filling!
Week the Eighth:
Cold Comfort and Chilled Soup
This week we find a desperate message from Lake Lachrymose in the off season.
Cool as a cucumber, with a hint of mint and the slightest tang of yogurt. Blessedly refreshing, with no cooking required. Perfect on a hot summer day.
Week the Ninth:
A Meal with an Anxious Clown
This week we contemplate serious grammatical errors, fried zucchini, and a bear who can't take a joke.
Golden-fried zucchini spears served with a savory marinara dipping sauce.
Week the Tenth:
Lake Lachrymose Cooking School
This week, I cannot bear to tell you what happened at cooking school. And a decent person like you should be spending your time at a nicer website anyway.
One of the quickest and simplest ways to make a truly nice dinner, any night of the week.
Week the Eleventh:
Miserable Meals
This week, you can't judge a website by its cover, because it doesn't have one. Plus, what to eat while hiding in a cave.
A simple ground beef and macaroni casserole Infused with the flavors of the Sonoran Desert, topped with melty cheese and the crunch of breadcrumbs.
Week the Twelfth:
The Victual Forensics Department
In this penultimate post, we use advanced culinary analytics to assess Charles' omelette making techniques, and consider the side effects of hypnosis.
A pillowy little bundle of creamy eggs encased in a soft eggy shell. It's a great way to use up leftovers, and it’s a meal that’s ready in 3 minutes flat. (Plus, so delicious you just can't stop eating it.)
Week the thirteenth:
Peppermints and a Desperate Letter
A desperate letter from boarding school. Remember, you are my last hope that delicious food can again be enjoyed by the general public.
Dark and white chocolate layered with the subtle salty crunch of pretzel crisps and spiked with peppermint.
If you are a parent with the good sense to question whether these are the type of books you should be foisting upon your children, you may want to read my parent-to-parent review of the book series
If for some reason you want to read the books, you will find them here:
(When I finish weeping over this bowl of cold lime stew, I may write a review of the Netflix television series.)
Dear Reader,
By now you are probably aware that A Series of Unfortunate Events was dutifully written by Lemony Snicket to tell the true tale of misery endured by Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire at the hands of Count Olaf, and to clear his own name. Recently, Snicket has begun a new, even more desperate attempt to retell the treacherous tale on Netflix, in the form of a documentary.
As a student of the history of the Baudelaires, I have assumed the grim duty of reading the entire tragic series, and watching every episode, myself. You, however, are under no such obligation. From the Bad Beginning to the bitter End, this terrible tale contains vile food and unpleasant dining companions with treacherous table manners.
I have vowed to create this series of recipes for those who prefer to spend their time eating delicious food in the company of pleasant people. You may choose to follow along if you also prefer that sort of thing.
With all due respect,
Proprietress, Adventure Kitchen
tags a series of unfortunate events, VFD, Baudelaires, lemony snicket, Count Olaf, puttanesca, Violet Baudelaire, Klaus Baudelaire, Sunny Baudelaire, chocolate pudding, Mr. Poe, oatmeal, cupcakes, coconut cream cake, Uncle Monty, potstickers, Stephano, Aunt Josephine, Anxious Clown, Lake Lachrymose, cover, landing page
This week we begin at The Bad Beginning by making Puttanesca Sauce. If you are not currently toiling in the kitchen of an evil villain, you may enjoy making some yourself.